Taking your bad emotions good for you!

TAKE YOUR BAD EMOTIONS GOOD FOR YOU!!
Do you rule your emotions or do they rule you?
The key to feeling good is to learn to use your negative emotions in a positive way—and then let them go. By Kate Rew

Fear
What it’s like: Sweaty-palmed, gut-wrenching, hairs-on-your-neck horror or slow-burning mental paralysis.
You can feel fear about everything: beginnings, endings, changing or staying stuck.
Survival value: ‘Fear is a fantastic mechanism to keep us safe,’ says London life coach Michael Myerscough. ‘It gets your attention and helps you avoid dangerous situations. But while it’s really useful for sharpening up for sports events it’s not great for creative thinking—blood diverts from your brain to your muscles.’
It’s ruling you when…it gets in the way of actions you might like, such as moving continents, switching lovers or jumping off a cliff attached to an abseiler.
How to get it back under control:Sometimes the only way to conquer fear is to do whatever it is you’re scared of.’ Build up your courage first by taking little risk,’ suggests British psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield, author of Emotional Confidence (Thorsons).
When it comes to things like public speaking, ‘ask yourself: “what’s the worst that can happen?” and “How likely is this?”, ‘says Myerscough. ‘There may be a small rational basis to your fear, like wanting to do well. But the irrational bit is that you feel your world is going to fall apart if you stumble over a few words. Ask yourself: “If I were to act on the basis that I am already supremely fearless, how would I behave differently?” Then take three small daily steps to get you closer to that.

Anger
What it’s like: Boiling, seething rage that makes you want to scream: ‘That’s not fair!’
Survival value: ‘Anger occurs when you feel denied something that is rightfully yours,’ says Lindenfield. This could be anything from a promotion to a parking space. Anger is about defending your territory when someone oversteps your personal, social or professional boundaries.
It’s ruling you when…your anger is inappropriate, for instance when you explode because your new boyfriend is half an hour late and your ex always did that. Or you shout at a secretary about one delayed fax because you’ve missed half hour deadlines. ‘Humorous teasing, sniping and casual put-downs can also be a sign of suppressed anger,’ says Myerscough. ‘Ninety percent of what passess for humour is actually people being passive-aggressive.’
How to get it back under control: ‘Traditionally women don’t express anger, they swallow it,’ says conflict-resolution counselor Sybil Evans, coauthor of Hot Buttons (Piatkus). ‘This is bad for your health and creates “hot buttons”—sensitive areas which make you explode when they’re pushed. Make a little inventory of what has pressed your hot buttons and why. Ask friends for feedback and try to find a pattern to what sets you off,’ suggests Evans. Hot buttons generally come from either having unrealistic standards or expectations of other people—in which case you might want to be more tolerant and flexible; or from not letting people know what your boundaries are—in which case you need to start to setting them.
Boundaries concern your base conditions for relationships and involve issues such as loyalty, confidentiality, respect, reliability and trust. Different value systems and priorities mean boundaries are highly individual, but when your’re cross, it’s time to explain calmly and positively what your base conditions are.

Guilt
What it’s like: Think of accidentally hurting someone in your family because you weren’t thinking of what you were doing. That’s the unease that comes from guilt.
Survival value: ‘Rational guilt enables us to live in society,’ says Lindenfield. ‘It keeps up our standards.’ It also ensures we treat other people as we would like to be treated—with consideration and compassion. But not all guilt is rational.
It’s ruling you when… ‘you’re constantly bombarded by visions of perfection—in advertising, films, the media and stardom—makes it possible to feel guilty about everything from cellulite and career success to the contents of your fridge.
How to get it back under control: Distinguish between your actions—ridiculing someone to make yourself feel better or kissing some else’s man—and yourself. The vital thing is not to think your patterns reflect the essential you, as this will lower your self-esteem. ‘Draw up 10 personal commandments that reflect your core values,’ says Lindenfield. For example: 1. Thou shalt be honest. 2. Thou shalt not abuse thy body. And so on. ‘And when you feel guilty, check whether the action has disrespected any of these. If it hasn’t, the guilt is probably something to do with your parents’ or society’s values and not your own personal code.’

Insecurity
What it’s like: You’re just not quite sure about anything—whether he likes you, whether you’re good enough or what you like. Insecurity is a quagmire of not knowing.
Survival value: ‘Feeling insecure makes you stop and think,’ says Lindenfield, which means it may help you make sounder , safer choices.
It’s ruling you when… ‘it causes arguments or impacts on what you would normally do,’ says psychologist Sandi Mann from the University of Central Lancashire in the UK. ‘At work this may mean feeling like an imposter—a common syndrome among women—to the extent that you don’t apply for a promotion or reach your potential. In your personal life it may mean constantly asking: “Do you like me? Does my bum look big in this? Who are you looking at?”
How to get it back under control: Building up self-confidence means personal-development work. Options include Lindenfield’s book Emotional Confidence (Thorsons); Philippa Davies’s book Irresistibility: secrets of selling yourself (HodderMobius), which will sell you to anyone, including yourself; a personal coach or therapy. ‘Building confidence is not something you can easily do; it involves cognitive and behavioral changes,’ say Mann. ‘Get a book that will help you work on things like not running yourself down and recognizing your achievements and what friends value about you. But also consider new things to do like studying further, to give you a sense of achievement.’ Regarding the imposter syndrome, Mann says, ‘Recognize it’s a common syndrome and, unless you blatantly lied on your CV, you can be pretty sure you got where you are on merit.

Worry
What it’s like: Tense, anxious thoughts. Worry is one endless ‘What if?’ You meet a nice man—you worry that it will end. You don’t meet a nice man—you worry that you will never will.
Survival value: It helps you examine the options.
It’s ruling you when… ‘you barely think of anything that wouldn’t qualify awake at night and worry about the events of the day and what might go wrong tomorrow.
How to get it back under control: ‘First do some left-brain activity like counting backwards from 50, filing papers or sorting your cupboards,’ says Lindenfield. ‘Anything that requires you to get into analytical, logical mode, because worrying is a right-brain activity. Then face the worst-case scenario and develop a contingency plan if that were to happen. Have a backup of SOS friends you would turn to, a plan for remaining financially safe, a retreat for boosting your self-esteem or an idea of how you would find another man. And write it down Get the worries out of your head and onto paper.’ Regular doses of Richard Carlson Don’t sweet The small stuff (HodderMobius) will help put things into perspective.

Envy
What it’s like: Wanting something that you haven’t got. It’s the ‘happy for you—unhappy for me’ sensation you get when someone announces their pay rise, engagement, holiday or promotion.
Survival value: It makes you focus on what it is that you want.
It’s ruling you when… ‘you are broke,’ says Lindenfield. “Envious people spend money all the time because they never feel good enough.’ Or it gets in the way of enjoyment because you’re too busy coveting a friend’s wardrobe or weight loss to enjoy the moment.
How to get it back under control: ‘Get into action,’ says Lindenfield. ‘Whether it’s a boyfriend or a new figure you want, go out and get it.’
‘Envy is a great motivator,’ says Myerscough. ‘Use it to commit to goals and set a time frame to get what you want. But at the same time allow yourself to feel satisfied with what you’ve got.’ Know that you won’t find happiness outside of yourself or by filling your life with things that other people have.
Cosmopolitan August 2005